Its all good in adulthood

Going through life constantly changing my mind about what I want, who I want and what I want to be. This is strenuous.
I am 25, am going through the motions, trying to plant my feet firmly in adulthood but seemingly failing.
When I was a child of 9 or 10, old enough to have the intelligence to gaze at adulthood and some of the prospects of growing up from a safe distance, I used to fantasize about being many things; a fashion designer, fine artist, the 1st female president of South Africa, a lawyer, an actress, a TV presenter. There was never any doubt in my mind I had the potential to bring any of these chosen dreams into actuality. During my high school years the vision for my fantasies has become foggy, instead my mind was clouded by all the thrills that come with adolescence, and my last three years of high school were certainly no precedence for the future of an aspirant, well, anything. It is during this time my family slowly started unravelling, leading me to conclude, by my matric year, that I’ll continue onto university college, or whatever, to study, this or that, or whatever. I was certainly never in the mood to think or plan or even pray for that matter, prayer, love and support, which I most needed, eluded me.
My varsity years were, for the most part, uninspiring and wasted. I did what I had to to get by, I was so used to it and in all of that forgetting to ask myself simple questions like “How are you Zime, are OK? Are happy and coping?” You see, I now realise that peoples thresholds for sticks and stones thrown at them vary from person to person. I wish I had cared enough about myself to listen to my feelings and non-feelings for that matter; I spent too much time trying to catch up to the wishes and ambitions of other people. At the time, be it a result of my naivety, lack of discernment, or just the race to “finish” and “prosper” and make my people proud, I failed to realise that im not a carbon copy. Unfortunately for my family and people who were once friends, my path veered completely off of what is the norm. Fortunately for me, I now realise it. However, I realised it late. Between 2012 and now I very calmly and organically came to start acknowledging myself, outside of the ordinary, which for an extended number of years I had tried to be a part of. But this was not for me, it spat me out and the Universe helped face the sun.
To the Sun and all its glory I give thanks. I was having a conversation recently with a friend about how as much as things in my life seem to be falling apart; so much is coming together at the same time. Spiritually I am at a happier place. The energies around me are beautiful and I am attracting encounters and people who are welcome. I am doing my best to stop thinking of the past few years as wasted, but as lessons. I am surrounded by newness, trying to feel my way around and discovering God and goodness in so much around me. I struggle with impatience. I struggle with comparison. I struggle with the monkey on my back telling me I should’ve gone corporate and stayed compliant with the mainstream, the norm, it would’ve been easier, and I certainly wouldn’t have to worry about my bank accounts hunger pains…
But occasionally when I am with family who support and friends that understand, I recall that I am doing just fine. I am OK. I may be teething but I am never alone to deal with my transition. It is always important to remember to look inwardly and be able to pick your spirit up when it is down on rocky shores. The grass is always green where you water it.

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Its all good in adulthood

  1. Reblogged this on The Journal of 'Dr. R' and commented:
    The identity crisis and the conversion from childhood to adulthood go hand in hand together. The dreams of the child and the realities of the adult are linked, dreams sometimes don’t materialise but others do. Which side do you choose?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s